50 Shades of Abuse Flyer - Canada
Use, redistribute, print.
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Okay. I understood all the flack Twilight got for being an abusive relationship. Because it was and it was being read by a very young and impressionable audience. But ffs, 50 Shades is an ADULT NOVEL. Iit is about a BDSM couple. Which - newsflash - do exist. It is a completely consensual form of dominate/submissive sex play. The whole concept of domestic violence and abuse is that one side exerts control over an unwilling victim. I don’t recall Anastasia, or whatever she’s called, protesting to Christian’s form of sex. If I remember correctly, she quite enjoyed it! So before you condemn a work of romanticizedfiction, actually consider it’s audience and remember that they are mature and capable enough to know the difference between reality and fiction.
so i guess you didn’t read the parts where he coerces her and the part where he continues after she has used her safeword and acts like a fucking creep whenever they aren’t having sex
it is the worst possible introduction to BDSM i could imagine
i know my shit okay
im hoping the people defending this book are 1. never getting into BDSM 2. not currently into BDSM 3. havent read the book bc i dont want to believe anyone is that fucking stupid
knowledge on you right now.
Wanna know the BDSM mantra? Safe, sane, consensual.
So let me explain why this book was devoid of all three of these things.
Safe - In the first few chapters of the novel, Christian Grey tracks Ana’s cell phone to find her at a club. Takes her home when she’s drunk, changes her when she’s so intoxicated she doesn’t remember him doing so,and informs her he will be keeping tabs on her for her own benefit. This is not the behaviour of a respectable Dominant. This is the behaviour of a power hungry, abusive asshole who really can’t take no for an answer.
Sane - One of the most important parts of BDSM is aftercare. Scenes can be extremely traumatizing and intense for the submissive. Aftercare is anything from petting to cuddling to holding to sweet talking, whatever degree of gentleness a bottom would need to pull them out of “subspace”. How does Christian provide aftercare? He submits Ana to a traumatizing first time spanking experience AND THEN FUCKING LEAVES. AND GETS MAD THAT SHE DIDN’T TELL HIM SHE WAS UPSET. He’s the one who should fucking know better! That, again, is not the act of a responsible Dominant. It’s the act of a selfish abuser.
Consensual - Did I mention he undressed her when she was belligerently drunk? Tracked her phone to locate her? He also buys her a new car despite her saying no countless times. Now, consent is important for any kind of sexual activity at all. Consent means informed, consent means enthusiastic. Informed, enthusiastic consent. This is crucial in a BDSM setting. Scenes can be extremely intense, especially for the bottom. What is Christian’s form of obtaining consent? Handing Ana a fucking contract highlighting all the things he wants to do her asshole and asking her to sign it. She was a virgin (Don’t even get me fucking started.) who had never before been exposed to BDSM. Entering in that kind of relationship takes a gargantuan amount of trust and knowledge so you know exactly what you’re getting into. Not reading a list of kinks on a piece of paper and signing your rights to say no away. Christian didn’t offer her resources, he didn’t offer her information. He gave her an ultimatum. That is not the sort of consent a responsible Dom/me would seek from their submissive.
Fuck. This. book. It’s written in a shitty way, it’s a terrible example of a BDSM relationship (ask anybody already involved in the lifestyle and watch them go blue in the face just thinking about it), which is already faced with enough prejudice and misunderstand, and it romanticizes and glorifies abuse.
And this post is going into my bookmarks, because it is beautiful.
What scares me most is the fact that people, misinformed and ignorant people, will now try to enter the community/find play partners with the dangerous ideas of what BDSM is. They won’t respect a sub, they won’t listen.
And that can seriously hurt people. People can DIE.
All of this. Anyone who is thinking about experimenting with a BDSM relationship PLEASE do not use this book as a guide. It can be VERY dangerous if not done correctly and safely. Communication is a HUGE FUCKING PART of a BDSM sexual relationship and it is simply not catered to in this book. There are tons of fanfiction authors on here and on AO3 who do BDSM justice. They write about safe words, aftercare, consent, all of it. Go find some of those instead of using this as a guide.
Yesterday a fifteen year old follower of mine said “christian grey is everything I want in a man reading fifty shades of grey was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made” we need to educate and help people understand how this novel isn’t healthy
These points right here are why I try to tell friends not to read it. It makes me so angry when it is glorified and praised for being the ideal romance. NO IT ISN’T.
I keep seeing this post go around and have been reading the responses to the book that only outline how it doesn’t represent a “real” BDSM relationship. To be honest I find the responses to be lacking and presenting the BDSM community as a place that is perfect, while completely and utterly disregarding how the community does harbor abusers. That isn’t to say there are no perfect relationships in the community or that the community is inherently flawed but I’m troubled by the emphasis on Safe, Sane and Consensual when there are many who preach that mantra in public while disregarding it in private.
Fetlife has been notorious in refusing to make their website more safe for users, going as far as removing posts that name people who sexually assault people. While that is only one example the blanketed response to the novels does not give people who become interested in learning more about the community the knowledge or ability to better understand how they can be safe. (I often wonder if Christian Grey was a real person, would he would be banned from the community?)
I’ve also noticed a LACK of people acknowledging how Ana is also abusive in the novels. She assumes that Christian is into BDSM because he is mentally ill and if she “fixes” him he will no longer be dominant. She assumes he isn’t a full person because of his beliefs. Both of them are flawed in many ways and anyone who is reading the books should think critically about how both characters manipulate each other, while also acknowledging that they are not a good representation of the BDSM community.
That said, all novels that center around relationships (romantic/erotic/ etc) need to be thought about critically without the assumption that they are a true representation of reality. Someone who reads a novel that people within the BDSM community believe is a good representation of what a BDSM relationship is cannot be taken as fact when people can and do go into the community without being aware of real dangers that they could be opening themselves up to. Dangers that happen regardless of the community, space etc because abusers are everywhere.
We should be having a conversation about abuse. Period. Acknowledging that Safe, Sane and Consensual is something that is important to MOST people within the BDSM community while also acknowledging that like the rest of the world abuse happens.
The life of Gordon Ramsay isn’t an easy one
I hope I can use that line one day
This is about the unaired leak of the first episode of series 8 of Doctor Who. It contains spoilers.
Since I’m so critical of this series, and I’m about to be more critical, I think it’s important that I talk about WHY I watch it. I don’t love hating on things.
RTD’s Doctor Who set the bar really damn high, admittedly. Maybe it just hit me at a certain time when I needed to see it, but that show changed my life. When Rose says “The Doctor showed me a better way to live” in the first series finale, I realized that was the message for all of us. That we love inspirational fiction, we watch uplifting movie after uplifting movie, yet somehow we’re never truly uplifted, the stories fail because they don’t stay with us, they don’t really change us, we turn the TV off and we go back to exactly who we were. We watch the underdog triumph again and again, we love that narrative, yet those of us who are really underdogs never think we can do it in real life, we never apply it. As Rose realized her potential, and went from an apathetic sales clerk drifting through life without purpose to someone courageous and driven who didn’t give up even when it was hopeless, I found strength too.
And I came to not only fiercely love the Doctor, but even identify with him. In The Impossible Planet, when Ten is stranded, seemingly having lost the TARDIS forever, his utter lack of ability to cope with the things that are expected of a person, like getting a mortgage or something, rang very true to me. And I felt that I, like the Doctor, was someone who wasn’t very good at “normal” things, and it was easy to believe that because of that, I was worthless, but that that was overlooking qualities I have that aren’t as valued by society but could make me valuable in my own, different kind of way. I’d spent so much time thinking “good at mortgages” was the only way to be a good adult, a good human, and from Doctor Who I realized I could be good with bravery, a spirit of adventure, and of course amazing friends.
As a writer, I’ve loved the arcs of RTD’s companions. I realized that each one was special, and not because of something that happened to them, or even something the Doctor gave them, but because each and every person is born full of amazing potential and possibility, each and every person is their own fantastic universe. And little by little, somehow, that’s obscured. Every time we’re talked over or told we’re not interesting, every time we’re told to “be realistic,” every time we’re rammed into gender roles, every little insult, each minor wound, tarnishes us until we don’t even know who we were. And the Doctor’s magic isn’t that he makes people extraordinary, but that he sees through the gunk of insignificance we’ve picked up in our travels, he knows who we really are, and he helps us see it, too. The moments Rose, Martha, and Donna were really allowed to shine, it was with the brilliance they’d had in there all along, and you could see the Doctor’s joy in witnessing them discovering it. Having watched a bunch of the classics too, I know that was most often the Doctor’s role—as a mentor, a stepping stone to greatness. I believe he really tried to leave each companion better than he found them, and was utterly crushed in situations when he failed to do so. Companions don’t stay with him forever because that isn’t their role, or his. He lifts them up, and he lets them go. That’s the Doctor.
And I fell so profoundly in love with this character, this universe, this sense of wonder and discovery. I started watching the classic episodes purely out of love for the world RTD showed me, and I think that’s what he most hoped to accomplish, because this was a world he fell in love with too.
And that, that is why I’m still watching. Not because I’m a hater, not because I love to be cynical and prove I’m so much more progressive and socially aware than you. Did RTD make mistakes? Hell yeah. But my metric for enjoyment isn’t whether the show was completely socially just, because then I’d never get to enjoy anything, and I like enjoyment. I can let a certain amount of bullshit go if you move me, if the story is GOOD and I love watching the characters interact. That doesn’t mean it isn’t worth calling out bullshit in good stories, it’s more of at the end of the day, did I enjoy it enough that it was worth it anyway?
I don’t watch Doctor Who for the amazing, tightly-woven plots, or the special effects, or the scientific realism, or any of the many things you could probably get better somewhere else. I watch it for the Doctor, and the close, often intense relationships he has with his companions, the love and the growth and the way they somehow make each other more themselves, the way true friends do."